In the years following my atheistic separation and subsequent divorce, I was plagued with horrible feelings of death. I was either wanting to die or feeling like I was dying. I watched in dismay and hopelessness as my children parceled their way out of my life, and into my ex’s. This also felt like death. I would try to explain the despair to my friends. I would say to them, “I have lost my family,” or, “It’s like my children have died!” because the grief over losing them felt like death. They couldn’t understand! And this added to my grief. Even though they mostly listened to my lament, they disregarded this feeling and negated my experience, reassuring me that I did not lose my children or family. I felt like I literally needed to attend a grieving parent group for families of lost/dead children because they were the only ones who would be able to understand some of what I was feeling. Job became my kindred spirit because he also lost everything, yet even Job still had his wife! Then I stumbled upon this bible verse
But every man is tempted when of his own lust he is drawn away and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived it bringeth forth sin and sin when it is finished bringeth forth death.
That this verse gave me comfort shows just how miserable a state I was in. There was something healing in God showing me a reason for the situation I was in, that it was of my own making. This knowledge gave me a starting place to work from.
As time went by and I leaned more and more into knowing God, He did heal me of my anguish and brought comfort to me. I got saved in Jesus. Then I began extending God’s love into each of my relationships, including my children and ex and his new family. This took years, and is still happening. It sometimes takes a long time to save a soul. I had tremendous difficulty forgiving myself for the anguish I had caused my children. Finally, after about 13 years I realized I was forgiven by God and the past was in the past. I was free to be who I am in the Lord.
I came to understand that feeling consuming thoughts of death and wanting to die means that your spirit inside you (your soul) is shouting at you that it’s time to die–to your old life. When sin has wreaked its havoc and death is occurring in small and large ways all around you, the bible teaches us this is inevitable when we follow the lust in our hearts. Satan has won. Or has he? Once death has occurred, there is no recovering that life or way of being, unless you want to be a walking zombie. The bible calls these those ‘who sleep’, like our modern-day term ‘zombie’. The walking dead.
Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. ~1 Corinthians 15:18
But God is a life-giver and wants to restore us to the way He sees us and who He made us to be. As the great sinner King David once sang, ‘Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, uphold me by Your generous Spirit‘! We get off track when we do not follow His plan for us, and the only way back is to repent and humble ourselves and turn back.
For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
It’s now been 14 years since my devastating divorce and loss of my family as I knew it. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me in memory, and I counsel people against divorce now because of what I know and have been through. But I also have the hindsight and understanding through God now that even though we all suffered an excruciating death of life as we had known it, we had to so that He could restore ALL of us to new life in Him. My children and ex might not be aware of this, but I am. The path we were on, largely due to us and our sin against God, would have led us all into certain destruction and eternal death. God, in His sovereign mercy knew this and stopped it. He allowed my marriage to die so that I could be born anew from the ashes. And save everyone in the process. Indeed, there was really no other way we all could have been saved, or else I think He would have made a way for that. He is omniscient where we are blind. But now I am beginning to see.
Poor Judas. He was a necessary part of Jesus’ death and resurrection, but woe to him for being that pawn. He chose suicide because he too felt the gravity of what he had done and could see no hope. Judas could have realized his feelings of wanting to die just meant his old heart was hardened and he needed a spiritual death, not a physical one. He could have called out and repented to Jesus and been forgiven and saved, but he chose the prideful and selfish way out, which is what suicide is. Killing others is also the epitome of selfishness. Wanting to kill and die is your soul song crying out to you that it’s time to cleave from your old life and be born again in Jesus Christos. The alternative is hell for eternity, the bible teaches us.
It is better for part of you to perish than to be thrown into hell. ~Matthew 5:29
As I come out of those old atheistic ways and forge a new path with God, I am taking all that love and forging new relationships with my children based on Jesus’ Way. I am also bringing that into my friendships, acquaintanceships, work, and other realms. Now that I am saved I am sailing around everyone one-by-one extending a hand to those still drowning and offering them safety in my God-given lifeboat. Some have come aboard. Will you?
Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” ~John 3:3
I will not stop trying until God takes my breath away. I see now that once I was on the path to destruction, He always intended to bring me out of it, I just did not fathom it because I couldn’t. I was like an ant and He is God. Now I am His soldier fighting for Him.
~Selah
~Song of Mary~ 