I awoke in the middle of the night and tossed and turned, stared at my phone, tried to listen to Coast to Coast (mostly dozed during this actually), then got triggered by some intriguing comments I read on YouTube. I then started feeling sad, sad, sad. I realized I have not felt sad in a long while. Not depressed, not sad, not forlorn, not lonely, not too frustrated, not anything terrible. Which is kind-of unusual for me in my life.
When I would be overcome by these feelings, I would just naturally dissociate which is a trick I learned in infancy. I didn’t have to think about it at all; my feelings would tell my brain that it was time to check out and I would. Dissociation for me feels like getting tired all the sudden, yawning, kind-of getting itchy in the facial area (vagal nerve I suppose) and feeling heavier. It’s like this intense urge to take a sudden nap. I get lower in my chair, bed, or sofa and rest my head on something, get comfortable if I can, close my eyes, and ….. drift away to lala land. I usually end up falling asleep for a short while. Then when I wake up Wah-Lah! I am feeling better. And I am separated from the intense feelings that made me feel bad.
But when I began this process tonight after feeling sad, I got to the part where I was ready to dissociate–except I didn’t. I wiggled around, I changed my breathing, I waited. But nothing happened. It then began to dawn on me that maybe Jesus had gone and healed me when I wasn’t looking. I then began to remember how good my life has been lately, how I haven’t been plagued by as much stress or badness, that things have been rolling off my back more than ever.
I was a bit miffed because dissociation was my hidden superpower. I could always rely on it to protect me from despair, from distress, and from hopelessness because even if I couldn’t escape my circumstances, I could escape in my mind which was even better. So I asked Jesus, “What have You done to me?” And He responded, “You have Me now, I am your escape, and I not enough?” And I said, Yes, Lord, You are Enough! Thank you for healing me. I know in my spirit that I will still be able to dissociate if I was in a very extreme situation, but I just don’t need it anymore, thanks be to God.
News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and he healed them.” – Matthew 4:24
I am healed. I am whole. I am One. ❤
~Song of Mary~ 