As feelings of desolation, gloom, and hopelessness pervade my being I am reminded by the Helping Spirit that Job suffered just like me. No other account in the Bible relates the human condition of losing everything when it seemingly makes no sense like the Book of Job. Hence there I find my only solace.
I can completely relate to his story and I am so thankful it is in the Bible, and that I am acquainted with it. As I lift my head above the churning waves of despair, I get a glimpse of the hope that is my God looking down upon me with affection and love, eager to assuage my pain.
I believe God is using me as He did Job: to be an example of righteousness to the devil.
It’s not that I am perfect. I have struggled with difficult things. Since becoming a Christian I have sinned less and less, but pulling out of a sinful way of thinking has been a long process of two steps forward, one step back. I have especially fought a battle with sexual immorality. It isn’t that I am that bad by worldly standards, but that it has taken me longer to perfect the side of myself that seeks romance and relationship. I think this is typical of most women.
Yet I do get better as time goes by, praise God. And I believe He has chosen to make an example of me despite these fall backs.
I first lost my marriage when my husband left me. I then began losing my family as I had known it; my kids gravitated to their father’s house and he remarried, giving them a new family. I have grieved the loss of their presence as a mother would grieve a literal death of her child. I fought in utter desperation to try to keep them close to me, all to no avail. As time went by my hope for having another committed relationship slowly eroded away until I have all but given up on hoping for one anymore, and this is after much effort was exerted on my part to meet someone who completed me. My business then failed into which I had invested my time, money, heart, and future. As I go forth trying to carve out a career niche that suits me, I meet mostly dead ends. I have interviewed for jobs to only be turned down, even when I seemed to be the best candidate or even overly qualified. God gives me work, but it does not utilize all my talents leaving me feeling like my potential is untapped, and leaving me always unfulfilled. My financial situation is rather dour and I am in debt. I have noticed of late that I am having chest pain after moderate aerobic exercise which I never had before. My friends are left baffled by my circumstances, but instead of understanding this as a Job moment and giving me good counsel, they begin launching into a litany of advice and vain words which only increases my frustration and pain.
I have lost my marriage, my family, my career has stagnated, and now I am losing my health.
Through it all, I have tried to do what modern Christian pastors, counselors, and friends tell you to do: I have shared my plight with my Christian friends. The problem is that my failures make no rational sense when you try to explain them, which they inevitably try to do. My husband did not have to get a new wife two weeks after he left me; my children should not have gravitated to him because I was a doting stay-at-home-homeschooling mom; my business was a shining example of perfection in this region of the United States as I am a highly qualified practitioner with a good reputation in my community; and I have always had exemplary health, am relatively athletic, have low blood pressure, and low cholesterol! Yet all but one of my few Christian friends have difficulty validating me and my experiences at the least, and at the worst, cause trauma to me with their words which sound harsh to my wounded and sensitive ears.
Like Job’s friends, my primary Christian female friend implies that either I am somehow not being thankful enough for what I have (I am very thankful and thank God without ceasing); that I am focusing too much on the negative side of things because the reality really is not that bad–that I just am going through a hard time and having trouble seeing objectively; that it is not time yet for God to bless me because I am somehow not ready or matured in my faith enough to warrant that yet; or that His purpose is being fulfilled through me in all these failures but I just cannot see it–as if others go through this all the time (and I know they do not). These false ideas come at me as I try to do as I am told and seek comfort among my Christian sisters. However, just like Job’s brethren, my sisters do me more harm than good.
The fact is that our Christian culture has adopted an understanding of God’s will as something like this: If you are obedient, you will be blessed and those blessings will look like success in our world. Christian fruit has been taken to mean having plenty, being successful in business, and having a close relationship with your children. You may suffer a little while, but not too long….unless you are being disobedient. There is no room for extended catastrophic events or Job-like moments in our modern understanding of the Lord. I would guess this is because we don’t have much cultural memory as Americans of times being very hard, and our understanding of God has been molded along with the advancing affluence of our country.
But sometimes God still makes examples of people like He did Job, and I am here to testify of that. It is the only explanation that makes rational sense for the things I have endured and continue to endure. God still wants to show the devil that some put Him first. Even a new Christian who has only known Him 4 years!
I am tested often but I am not usually consciously aware it is a test at the time, but sometimes I become aware of it during the test or just afterward. I do not usually try to answer in a way to merely please God, though that would be okay, I believe, but I answer in what I know or feel to be right in the situation. I know many Christian sisters who would pass these tests too, and I have to ask, as Job did, “Why me, LORD?” Maybe more of us have Job moments than we can know. But what I do know, is that I am blessed to be debased in the world. The lower I become in the world, the higher I become unto God.
I hope I am pleasing God as much as Job did. Thankfully I can see where Job made his mistake doubting God, and hopefully with Jesus’ strength, I can keep my faith as I keep my love for Him and my neighbor. I pray the devil can see that there really are some Christians who fear God and shun evil faithfully through pain, loss, and as all worldly blessings fall away. Thank God for the Bible. I can find validation and solace here I can literally find no where else:
Oh that my grief were fully weighed, and my calamity laid with it in the balances! For then it would be heavier than the sand of the sea–
What strength do I have, that I should hope? And what is my end, that I should prolong my life? Is my help not within me? And is success driven from me?
To him who is afflicted, kindness should be shown by his friend, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. My brothers have dealt deceitfully like a brook, like the streams of the brooks that pass away, which are dark because of the ice, and into which the snow vanishes. When it is warm, they cease to flow; when it is hot, they vanish from their place. The paths of their way turn aside, they go nowhere and perish. The caravans of Tema look, the travelers of Sheba hope for them. They are disappointed because they were confident; they come there and are confused.
But what does your arguing prove? Do you intend to reprove my words, and the speeches of a desperate one, which are as wind? Yes, you overwhelm the fatherless, and you undermine your friend. Now therefore, be pleased to look at me; for I would never lie to your face. Turn now, let there be no injustice; yes, turn again, my righteousness still stands.
So I have been allotted months of futility, and wearisome nights have been appointed to me. When I lie down, I say, ‘When shall I arise, and the night be ended?’ For I have had my fill of tossing till dawn. My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle, and are spent without hope. Oh, remember that my life is a breath! My eye will never again see good. The eye of him who sees me will see me no more; while your eyes are upon me, I shall no longer be. As the cloud disappears and vanishes away, so he who goes down to the grave does not come up. He shall never return to his house, nor shall his place know him anymore.
What is man, that You should magnify him, that You should set Your heart on him, that You should attend to him every morning, and test him every moment? How long? Will You not look away from me, and let me alone till I swallow my saliva? Why have You set me as Your target, so that I am a burden to myself? Why then do You not pardon my transgression, and take away my iniquity? For now I will lie down in the dust, and You will seek me diligently, but I will no longer be.
Behold, my eye has seen all this, my ear has heard and understood it. What you know, I also know; I am not inferior to you. You are all worthless physicians. Oh, that you would be silent, and it would be your wisdom! Your platitudes are proverbs of ashes….
Be silent with me, and let me speak, then let come on me what may! Why do I take my flesh in my teeth, and put my life in my hands? Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.
~Song of Mary~ 