This is my official 300th post and the point at which I have decided to conclude my blog. It has been quite a journey with God. My feelings smart a bit when reading my first posts in light of where I am now, but I fight the urge to hide or edit them because life is a process after all, and I have decided to publish my evolution in an effort to be authentic as a woman seeking after God. In doing so, I invite my family and others to also be real in your life journey as well. Let’s give each other grace to make mistakes and be tested by the fire.
As I come round to the end of this catalog, I am also nearing the end of the huge chapter of my life that is rearing children. My children were my priority for 34 years of my life, the years of my vigor. I am still a mother and will be until the day I die, but as my last son flies free from the nest, I find myself not wanting to flee to other lands as a missionary, but to seek deeper relationship with my offspring and their families, to grow in love with them, because I have such deep love and affection for all of them! Oh, I want to use the gifts for midwifery and healing God has given me, but I find my heart leaning into doing life with those whom I really do love best, and who seem to also love me > my Family.
There was a very difficult season for us when our family was torn apart, where we all seemed to grow further apart. But in Your mercy and mending, You have brought us back together as only You can do, Lord. I made many mistakes as a mother, mistakes I don’t think I would have made if I had known You. But what is past is past, and all has been washed away by the blood of the Lamb. I hope that my children can also forgive me my faults against them. I have never known a love like the love I have for them. Indeed, all I ever really wanted to be was a mother, a matriarch to a large family. The medical career was incidental to that. You are restoring that original dream and for that I am more grateful than words can express.
I know my real family, as Jesus said, are those who do the will of the Father. But my personal family are warm-hearted and good people, and I know they ARE doing the will of the Father. Even though they might not all be born-again or even saved yet, I know You have chosen them and are calling them, just as I was chosen and called even when I was an avowed atheist. Thank You, God, for Your perfect vision, to see what we are unable to see. Thank you for giving me my beautiful children and all that they bring, Lord, and for calling me to You!
I want to serve You with all of ME no matter where, what, when, how, or with whom. And I hope that when the time comes for my body to lie down and my spirit to fly to heaven, my Family and friends will remember me with deep affection and love in the Lord. And You know my greatest prayer is that they all come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior!
~Selah
~Song of Mary~ 