Orphan

If you’ve had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell — you have lived hell on Earth. Narcissists cannot be satisfied and do a tremendous amount of damage to their children and partners in their relentless demand for a perfect outer appearance to reflect the perfect inner image that obsesses them. Kyrie eleison.

I realize this trip home that I am truly an orphan.  Adopted by a narcissist at birth I have never known the love of a mother.  Even though I met my biological mother at 18, and knew her for a time, she ended up estranging herself from me again.  Even though I gained a step mother at 19, she never liked me, being admittedly jealous of my relationship with my father.  And even though I had the closest thing to a mother in the form of a mother-in-law for 22 years, she never really accepted me into the family, always implying that I would never really be a part of them, in large part because I was an ‘illegitimate’ child.  After my divorce, that just became more obvious.

I knew from my teenage years that my mother had control issues, and I was able to resist her control of me much of the time which resulted in her further alienating me and being angry with me.  It was/is a no-win situation with my mother:  either allow her to rule you and do her bidding, or be abandoned by her.

Now that I see it is much more serious than her merely having a controlling nature, I have consciously embraced the reality that her leaving when I was a child was actually a blessing by God; raising myself with God’s protection was far better than enduring an entire childhood living under a narcissistic parent every day.

I am happy to be an orphan.  Praise you Lord.

Galveston Island

As soon as I can rouse my lethargic sister awake, I will leave here, say goodbye to my ‘mother’ forever, and I hope to never return to this evil place:  the Texas Gulf Coast.  This is going to be for me physical closure on my young life.  I still have much emotional work in front of me before I can have final closure, I know this intuitively.  But this is a first necessary step:  drawing a line in the sand between old and new me.

I believe in the 5th Commandment:  to honor your father and mother.  But I know God understands that I can honor my mother, and her positive contributions to my life, from afar, without being involved with her; to treasure those good times we shared, and the helpful things she taught me, and the love she did give to me.