Recently I thought God was bringing me out of my Wilderness. I planned a 3 day fast (lasted almost two), and prayed fervently that He would either lead me into the Promised Land (you know, the proverbial place Job ended up getting blessed more than before, after he had lost nearly everything dear to him [save for his wife]) on the third day, or that He would wipe my memories clear so that I could go ahead and start my new life unhindered by painful memories of (mainly) unrequited love. I have been out here wandering around for around 6 or more years, give or take. I consider my marriage my Egypt, and that lasted around 22. I didn’t realize it was my captivity until recently, but since I left God to worship my husband, make him my idol, and espouse scientific atheism, I can indeed state that I was a willing captive.
However, when I awoke on Day 2 of this recent fast, God spoke a different word into my mind than I was hoping to hear. He said I was actually supposed to stay here, IN my wilderness.
I studied about Moses and how Moses went from being an orphaned Hebrew boy to becoming part of the house of pharaoh. Then Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt by way of the Wilderness which they lived in for 40 years! Finally, when God had them draw near to the Promised Land, the people grew fearful and doubted God; they doubted themselves to be able to conquer the civilized nations and large people. So God became frustrated with their unbelief and consigned that generation to die in the wilderness. So they did. Moses grew older and older. He outlived his brother Aaron and his sister Miriam. But he was so used to surviving and living a hard existence, God knew it was not going to suit Moses to cross over into the Promised Land, and Moses knew this and died gracefully near it, seeing it, but not being allowed by God to enter it.
And did anyone ever stop to contemplate that Moses went from not being able to speak in front of men to composing and singing a song to his whole people before he died!
I was raised in a strange world and craved to escape, but was misled by the enemy not into utopia as I thought, but into a captivity (atheism) I was to stay in for 22 years. I was led out of my captivity by one of God’s chosen ones, and I began wandering around in my desert loneliness for a long time. I have become born-again here and resisted temptation here. I have learned God is greater than a man to me. I deserve to be blessed with His abundance now, as the Bible tells me. I have made due penance, or nearly so.
Yet when I think about crossing into the Promised Land where God will bless me abundantly, I cannot contemplate it. I cannot fathom a world that is not lonely for me, or where I will actually have a Godly partner whom I was made for. So when God said I was staying here for now, I was okay with that. I have grown accustomed to the desert. I like keeping things simple and living in a tent. I like that the folks around me are struggling just like I am, but in different ways, with their own demons. It is my mission to take up my cross and help those around me in any way God leads me to, and I cannot think of a finer life to live.
I guess if God leads me into the land flowing with milk and honey, and I have the desires of my heart, He will have to do it while I am not looking. He will have to lead me one blind step at a time that way, so that I will look up and see richness and blessings and comfort beyond measure and know I am already there.
But for now I am glad to remain right here in the wilderness with God.
~Song of Mary~ 