Originally posted on June 17, 2011
I knew that going camping on my own was something that I needed to do; some rite of passage that I had to enter into and experience. I knew that I would probably feel empowered by doing something physical with my hands and body that I had never done alone before. And I thought I’d probably go on a killer hike that would take my mind to new realms of enlightenment that I couldn’t obtain at home. Instead I’m here, by my tent, awakened by birdsong, and nestled amongst the cedars next to my warm fire with the best cup of coffee I’ve had in months, writing about the epiphany that has been dawning in my consciousness for a while now, and which, just this morning fully materialized in my mind. I found myself in this serendipitous and totally unexpected meditative place. So, I’m going to forego my killer hike and write about my newfound realization instead.
I have been living on my own for about 10 months now. It has been a difficult time for me because I have had someone else to lean on for my emotional well-being since I was about 19 years old. Before that, my life was difficult too, but I endured it, and at that time I was driven subconsciously to find a man who would make me feel complete; would fill that void that I had always known, that all-pervasive loneliness that came with feeling unknown. I’m now sure this feeling isn’t unique to me; I suspect it is part of the human condition.
Now that I find myself electively alone, in this completely isolated place, to help myself cope I’ve read a lot about how to move on after a breakup. Most things state you should NOT date or jump into relationships with others, so that you can process your feelings about your relationship ending. But I see that people rarely do this. Why? Because most people, especially women, believe being alone sucks; as humans we are made to love and be near each other, work together, and live together. We also have become distant from faith-based beliefs and religion, and while some have replaced it with a robust spirituality, most have not. Not to mention our modern world promotes instant gratification and demotes patience and fortitude. I have talked with my girlfriends about the concept of waiting a year to date, and most agree that there is no real good reason to wait, while simultaneously acknowledging that it sounds like a good idea.
Therapists also counsel that you can, and should, love yourself through this trying and lonely time; that you have to learn to replace the love and acceptance you infused from others, into loving and accepting yourself. And that you should be just as happy alone as with someone else. This last part just never, ever, sank in for me. As humans who are made to be with each other, how can we be just as happy alone as we would be with another? Yes, I get that I have to love myself fully, and heal sad and needy places in myself before I can offer someone a healthy me. But where does one find the ability to love oneself in such a deep and fulfilling way? That was the part I grappled with, and I couldn’t seem to bridge that gap, and besides, I already loved myself and felt like I was pretty healthy.
Then I realized the missing piece that I didn’t read about on all those help sites, or hear in the lay public. I already have the perfect love of God, and I have never been unknown or unloved, He has always been there loving me in the most perfect way– more perfect than any man or woman could ever love me. With this knowledge that God is beside me, understanding me perfectly and loving me, I can now bridge that unfathomable gap that I could not before; that I can be truly happy alone. Because I am not alone. He is here beside me, and always has been, leading me in the most perfect way for me. I only have to understand this and listen to Him to know true happiness.
Love doesn’t just magically come from inside me, and I can’t just reach down deep and drag it up from my depths, and it doesn’t just materialize by living alone or camping alone or forcing myself to live a year without dating. It comes from God in limitless amounts. And it’s my duty, if I choose to accept and embrace it, to wrap myself up in that perfect love, and then send it back out to others.
If I had begun dating or seeing someone soon after my separation, I would not have fully and intimately understood what has been here waiting for me all along. But I also know that no amount of solitary existence is the answer either. The true key to happiness is simply God’s love, “a love which surpasses all knowledge.” ❤
~Song of Mary~ 